Forever, B
by PoppieJoy
Summary: 'I never want to hurt Brittany.' One-Shot based on my story Mama's Letters Home. Santana acts on her feelings for Brittany for the very first time.


**This is a little something I came up with based on **_**Mama's Letters Home**_**. It centres around Santana's first step with Brittany when she realises her feelings for her. This isn't the time Santana accepts her feelings (that's when she takes Brittany to her roof and tells her all she sees is her – if you'd like me to do a one-shot for that, I will), it's when Santana acts on them instead, the first time. I hope you enjoy and thank you for all the beautiful comments from this story!**

I knew I had feelings for her, even before she started dating guys.

I knew that every time she linked her pinkie with mine or every time she wrapped her arms around me, I knew I wanted it to be more.

I knew but I never said anything.

Never.

That's why tonight is so hard. Like every other night spent with Brittany.

We are walking through the dark streets of Lima back to her house. We've just been to a house party down the road at this guy called Puck's.

I didn't like Puck. He kept putting his hand up my skirt and wanting me to follow him to his bedroom.

All I want is Brittany.

We spot a crowd of boys across the road from us. Brittany raises her hand to wave at them and they wave back.

"He's cute," She tells me, curling our pinkies together and giggling girlishly.

I am fifteen and however hard I look at those boys across the road, none of them make me want to do any of the things I want to do to Brittany.

I feel her heart pumping though her pinkie and I know that when Puck holds my hand, I feel nothing. I feel nothing when Puck puts his hand on my lady loins and pushes me into the headboard of his bed. I feel nothing when Puck puts his tongue in my mouth and swirls it about.

All I feel is saliva. And a bunch of grossness.

I know that it wouldn't feel like that with Brittany.

We wonder further on and with every step I take, I feel my heart pound even harder. When we get to Brittany's, we sleep in the same bed and she likes to put her arms round me and pull me close.

She doesn't know that I spend the whole night pinching my legs together and squeezing my eyes so tightly shut so that I don't do something I know I'll regret.

I never want to hurt Brittany.

We get to an empty street and I see Brittany look up to the stars.

"San," She says, stopping on the sidewalk, "Let's play our star game!"

I inhale shakily because I hate this game. I hate having to make a shape up and tell her what it is. I hate having to pretend that I don't really have a story to imagine because I can't see everything she wants me to see in the stars. I hate having to look up at the sky every time we play this game and try and avoid what I really _do _see. What I really know is up there.

Because all I see is her.

And that's all I've ever seen.

"What, now?" I ask, looking anywhere but her. She doesn't notice my nervousness. She never notices. I do my best to hide it from her.

I never want to hurt Brittany.

"Yes, silly," She responds, dragging me onto the road.

I pull back, scared.

She keeps on dragging me until we're standing in the middle of the street. She pulls me towards her and it's all I can do not to cry.

I just want to kiss her.

"On the road, San," She whispers, her face so close to mine. I don't understand.

She pulls me down with her and I squirm.

"We could die," I tell her, trying to be grown up about this even though I don't want to ruin Brittany's excitement. This could be kinda fun I guess.

"Not if you're next to me," Brittany whispers back. It makes my heart beat even faster and I can't work out how she cannot feel it through her pinkie like I feel hers. Hers isn't even beating fast.

We lie down and stare up at the sky. She points out a bunny rabbit and tells me it's called Jessica. I giggle at her before my smiles turns downwards and I'm left feeling empty.

I run through all the possible shapes or animals or anything in my head but I'm so unimaginative and I can't think of anything I haven't used before.

"A willy," I say, closing my eyes at my stupidity.

_Where did that come from?_

I feel Brittany turn to me. I open my eyes and force a smile so she doesn't see my pain.

I never want to hurt Brittany.

"What's it called?" She asks, so innocently it practically breaks my heart.

I curse in my head.

"Oh, I don't know, Britt," I pass off, shrugging as much as I can on this cold, tarmac road.

"It has to have a name, San," She says, turning back.

I sigh. I sigh again.

_Shit._

"Will," I say, closing my eyes again at my stupidity.

"Not Puck?"

I gasp. I turn to Brittany and frown. I don't know what to say.

"I think Will is a nice name," Brittany says instead, turning back to the stars. "Maybe we could call our son, Will, when we're older."

My heart stops then. It slams into the front of my ribcage and slides down the side in shock.

I don't know what to do. My heart is going a beat a millisecond and all I can think about is how Brittany has just made my night.

But does she really mean it?

We remain silent for what seems like forever. I close my eyes because I know I can't tell her what it is I really see written in the stars.

"San?" Brittany suddenly whispers.

I keep my eyes squeezed shut but I murmur a "hmm?"

"Do you like Puck's willy?"

My eyes shoot open like a window blind and I turn to look at Brittany. "What?"

"Do you like Pu-"

"Okay, Britt, I got it," I interrupt quickly, bringing my hand to my head.

What was going on?

"Seriously, San," Brittany continues, "Because I don't really like willies that much."

I close my eyes and wonder where she's taking this.

Is this what I've always wanted to hear?

"Imagine if girls had willies,"

I can't help it; I laugh.

"It'd be so weird," I agree, turning to look at Brittany.

She has her eyes closed and she's smiling. I sit up onto my right elbow and study her.

She _is _really beautiful.

Her eyebrows raise into the perfect arch and I can't even contain my lady loins when I look at her lips and the way her long, dark eyelashes stay perfectly still in the gentle wind.

She's perfect.

She opens her eyes and smiles wider at me. "Why are you looking at me?"

I want to tell her it's because she's beautiful. I want to tell her so bad.

But I can't.

I've never been good with words. Brittany's always telling me to write more often so I learn how to deal with my feelings.

Maybe she's right and maybe that would have come in handy right now.

"San?" She says, lifting her arm and placing her fingers on my lips. I close my eyes because I don't know what she's doing but it's making me feel alive. Magical. Needed.

"Open your eyes, San," She says, finding mine with hers when I do.

Maybe I'll just have to show her she's beautiful in another way?

Or am I too scared?

What if she doesn't want that? What if she freaks out and leaves me lying in the middle of this road, alone and heartbroken?

Can I really risk that?

I search her eyes for a bit, wondering if they can actually tell me what I really need to hear.

Without realising, I've edged closer to her and our faces are so little apart that I can taste her sweet breath on my lips.

"Can I?" I begin, wondering what I'm even asking. I move closer and close my eyes for a while before opening them again. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes, San," She replies, straight away.

My heart skips several beats.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

I've never kissed a girl before, let alone Brittany.

She might hate it. I might be a terrible kisser.

I realise I'm hesitating because Brittany looks at me and says impatiently, with a giggle, "Just kiss me already, San,"

So I do.

I tuck her bottom lip in between mine and pull it so close, I can feel her heart beat through that now, as well as her pinkie. I feel her suck on my top lip and before I can stop it, a moan is tumbling out of my mouth and into hers. She smiles into our kiss and I can't help but feel like I've finally done something right.

My lady loins are dancing as she pulls my lip closer to her. I slip my tongue into her mouth wanting to taste every part of it. It's like velvet in there. Velvet and silk and cotton candy all mixed into one.

My breath starts working up and I'm finding it hard to breathe but I don't want to stop.

I never want to stop.

Now I can feel her heartbeat through her pinkie, her bottom lip, her tongue and her chest. It's everywhere and it's covering me with purpose.

I've never felt like this before.

I fall in deeper, pushing my tongue into the hidden caves of her mouth and sighing into them. She sighs with me and I know she's enjoying it.

It makes every part of my body shake with delight.

I hear the faint sound of car wheels on tarmac and the ever nearing roar of an engine. It's not until Brittany's tongue flicks the corners of my teeth that I realise we're on a road.

"Shit," I curse into Brittany's mouth making her gasp.

She giggles when I pull her into my arms and away from the car just as it passes us. We don't stop giggling for a very long while, holding on to each other, lips swollen from kissing each other so hard.

I tuck a strand of her beautiful blonde hair behind her ears and looking deep into those blue eyes. I smile so gently because I am so scared she thinks what we just did was a mistake.

But I am wrong.

I am always wrong. Just like she is always right.

She cups my cheeks and pulls me towards her again, whispering, "I like kissing you the best,"

It makes me smile wider than I've ever smiled, even though I know this is only the beginning.

Even though I know that maybe tomorrow, Brittany will not even think about it and I'll have to move on as just her best friend.

Even though I know that, from this moment on, who I am and who I want to be is the person who just kissed her best friend in the middle of the road.

I look at her and realise what I've really always know.

I've only ever seen her.

I've only ever seen her Forever.

**Please review and I hope ya'll have a happy holidays! Poppy x**


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